Conflict is the Stuff of Life

Have you ever had a conflict and wished you could have handled it better?

Conflict comes about from differences - in needs, values and motivations. Sometimes through these differences we complement each other, but sometimes we will conflict. Conflict is not a problem in itself - it is what we do with it that counts.

It is important that we do something because whether we like it or not, conflict demands our energy. In fact, an unresolved conflict can call on tremendous amounts of our attention. We all know how exhausting an unresolved conflict can be. It is not always easy to fix the problem but a great energy boost can come when we do. Resolving conflict requires skills.

What are Conflict Resolution Skills?

They are the skills that enable us to bypass personal differences and to open up to possibilities. The skills of CR draw us closer to other people, as we jointly search for fair solutions and balanced needs. It involves a powerful shift from adversaries to co-operative partners. In this shift each person benefits.

CR Skills Create Better Work Climates and More Fulfilling Relationships

For the organisational manager, skilful conflict-handling is an important managerial tool. Conflict can be seen as an opportunity for learning more about the company - its bottle-necks and inefficiencies, as well as its areas of expertise. The learning potential of conflict often goes unrecognised when staff and management react with "fight" or "flight". "Flow", the third way, requires Conflict Resolution skills.

These skills are also the tools for building friendship and intimacy. A whole new level of trust develops as people learn "we can work it out". Relationships become more fulfilling and supporting.

Civility Works is proud to be using the Conflict Resolution Network’s toolkit of 12 skills for CR and is working with organizations using the program’s methods for successful training.

All training sessions are customized to your association. You can select the areas that interest you or provide your group with continual support for all 12. All sessions are available for half day training or combine 2 for a full day. Fees are $1800/half day and $3000/full day (plus travel).

Contact Karen Mallett at 1-204-295-6167 to discuss options and bookings.

They are: The Win/Win Approach, The Creative Response, Empathy, Appropriate Assertiveness, Co-operative Power, Managing Emotions, Willingness to Resolve, Mapping the Conflict, Development of Options, Negotiation Skills, Third Party Mediation and Broadening Perspectives.

Our Philosophy

The resolution of world conflict does not lie only with governments. Everybody can support international peace endeavours. The Conflict Resolution Network is a peace program with daily relevance. The conflict-resolving manager helps build an effective economic system. The effective individual builds friendships and intimacy around them - vital components in social communication.

1. Win win approach

Opponents or partners

The win/win approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defence, to co-operation.
It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication.

One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader, will probably be that person - redirecting the course of the conflict. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is yourself.

Until we give it attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations - based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged, we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us - a feeling of "you or me" - a sense that there isn't enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven't taken even a moment to consider what the best approach in the circumstance is.

While people battle over opposing solutions "Do it my way!", "No, that's no good! Do it my way!", the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

I want to win and I want you to win too. The challenge now is how to have this happen.

2. Creative response

Problems or challenges

The Creative response to conflict is about turning problems into possibilities. It is about consciously choosing to see what can be done, rather than staying with how terrible it all is. It is affirming that you will choose to extract the best form the situation.

Our attitudes colour our thoughts. Usually we are quite unaware of how they shape the way we see the world. Two dramatically contrasting attitudes in life are "Perfection" versus "Discovery". Let's call them attitude "hats". What "hat" do you get dressed in each day? Do you see difficulties as problems or as challenges?

The Perfection hat says: "Is this good enough or not?" (Usually not!) "Does this meet my impeccably high standards?"

The Discovery hat says: "How fascinating! What are the possibilities here?"

The search for Perfection sets up: "Winners - & - Losers".

The process of Discovery invites: "Winners - & - Learners".

Life is not about winning and losing - it's about learning. When you fall down, you pick yourself up and note where the pot-hole was so you can walk around it the next time. A person who has gone "too far" knows just how far they can go. No "winners - and - losers", just "winners - and - learners".

3. Empathy

The tasks of active listening

Empathy is about rapport and openness between people. When it is absent, people are less likely to consider your needs and feelings. The best way to build empathy is to help the other person feel that they are understood. That means being an active listener. There are three specific listening activities relevant to different situations - 1. Information. 2. Affirmation. 3. Inflammation.

1. Information - getting a clear picture

AIM OF SPEAKER: to get across what is wanted so there is no confusion.

TASK OF LISTENER: to get the details, to check out and confirm what the speaker is saying and get clear on anything relevant they might be forgetting to say.

When you move into active listening mode to get information you are trying to find out about needs, instructions and perhaps background information.

• ASK QUESTIONS - Find out about needs, instructions, context, timing, costs etc.
• CHECK BACK - to be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details.

2. Affirmation - affirming, acknowledging, exploring the problem.

AIM OF SPEAKER: to talk about the problem.

TASK OF LISTENER: to help the speaker really hear what the speaker is saying and for the speaker to hear that you acknowledge their feelings.

Here you are recognising that the other person would be helped by you taking time to hear their problem.

• * LISTEN - attentively to the speaker.
• * REFLECT BACK - to the speaker their feelings, and perhaps the content of the problem with a single statement of acknowledgement periodically.
• * EXPLORE - If time permits, assist the speaker in finding greater clarity and understanding for themselves. You might take several interchanges reflecting back the speaker's feelings over a longer period of time, so that you both the difficulty in more depth. To get a "Yes, that's what I feel" so they explore what they are saying and they know they've been understood.

Use active listening when offering advice won't really help. The speaker would be best served by finding greater clarity and understanding of the problem for themselves. Active listening builds relationship.

3. Inflammation - responding to a complaint or attack on you

AIM OF SPEAKER: to tell you that you are the problem.

TASK OF LISTENER: to let the speaker know you've taken in what they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion.

When someone is attacking you verbally, moving into active listening mode is usually the most useful response you can make. When there is conflict it's very common to blame the other person. It is difficult to be objective when the emotional level is high. Active listening is an effective tool to reduce the emotionality of a situation. Every time you correctly label an emotion the other person is feeling, the intensity of it dissipates. The speaker starts to feel heard and understood. Once the emotional level of the conflict has been reduced, reasoning abilities for both of you can function more effectively. When someone is telling you they are unhappy with you, criticising you, complaining about you, or just getting it off their chest.

4. Appropriate assertiveness

When to use "I" statements

The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defences of the other person. The secret of success lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "the way I see it...", attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further.

When you want to state your point of view helpfully, the "I" statement formula can be useful. An "I" statement says how it is on my side, how I see it.

You could waste inordinate quantities of brain power debating how the other person will or won't respond. Don't! You do need to be sure that you haven't used inflaming language, which would be highly likely to cause a negative response i.e. it should be "clean". Because you don't know beforehand whether the other person will do what you want or not, the cleanest "I" statements are delivered not to force them to fix things, but to state what you need.

The best "I" statement is free of expectations. It is delivering a clean, clear statement of how it is from your side and how you would like it to be.

5. Co-operative power

Responding to resistance from others

When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities.

Explore - Clarify details

Find options

Redirect - Move to the positive

Go back to legitimate needs and concerns

6. Managing emotions

Handling yourself

• *5 Questions + 5 Goals Don't indulge Don't deny Create richer relationships

Five questions

When angry/hurt/frightened, Five goals when communicating emotions

Managing emotions - part 2

Handling others

People's behaviour occurs for a purpose. They are looking for ways to belong, feel significant, and self-protect. When people perceive a threat for their self-esteem, a downward spiral can begin. People can be led into obstructive behaviours in the faulty belief that this will gain them a place of nging and significance. How we respond to their difficult behaviours can determine how entrenched these become.

The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting their real needs without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs, and alienating patterns of reaction.

7. Willingness to resolve

Projection and shadow

Does the situation inform or inflame?

The Opportunity

The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve.

Projection

Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behaviour of others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and instead see it coming towards us from others.

Persona and shadow

Psychologist, Carl Jung, used the word "Persona" to describe the conscious aspects of personality, good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the unknown side of which we are, our “shadow".

Shadow hugging and boxing

Extreme attachment or rejections are signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

Acknowledgement

To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:

• Suppressed needs e.g. Failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we'd planned to be together.
• Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become really wild when people don't do what they promised.
• Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don't accept my own anger, I don't accept it in others.

8. Mapping the conflict

Define briefly the issue, the problem area, or conflict in neutral terms that all would agree on and that doesn't invite a "yes/no" answer.

Alongside Who: write down the name of each important person or group.

Write down each person's or group's needs. What motivates him/her?

Write down each person's or group's fears, concerns, or anxieties.

Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it evolves through discussion or to draw up other maps of related issues that arise.

9. Development of options

What is the range of options? Learn to use the tools below to generate ideas.

Clarifying tools

• Chunking - breaking the problem into smaller parts.
• Researching - more information; extent of resources: constraints.
• Goal-setting - what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools

• The obvious solution - to which all parties say "yes".
• Brainstorming - no censoring, no justifying, no debating
• Consensus - build a solution together
• Lateral thinking - have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools

• Maintain current arrangements, Currencies, Trial and error, Establishing alternatives, Consequence confrontation

Selection

• Consider: Is it built on a win/win approach? Does it meet many needs of all parties? Is it feasible? Is it fair? Does it solve the problem?

10. Introduction to negotiation

Learn the four basic principles

Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction

Reframe

Ask a question to reframe. Request checking of understanding. Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Respond not react

• Manage your emotions.
• Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass.
• Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated (e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue

Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?" Summarise how far you've got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading ("If you will, then I will") Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you.

Identify Unfair Tactics

Name the behaviour as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Chance the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps "to give an opportunity for reflection".

11. Introduction to mediation

Attitudes for mediators

These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to advise, in a conflict which is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the telephone. It may an informal chat with both conflicting people. It may be a formally organised mediation session.

• Be objective - validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only one party is present.
• Be supportive - use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where people will feel safe to open up.
• No judging - actively discourage judgements as to who was right and who was wrong. Don't ask "Why did you?" Ask "What happened?" and "How did you feel?"
• Steer process, not content - use astute questioning. Encouraging suggestions from participants. Resist advising. If your suggestions are really needed, offer as options not directives.
• Win/win - work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-solving partners.

12. Broadening perspectives

Respect and value differences

Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We all have distinctive viewpoints that may be equally valid from where we stand. Each person's viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. This wider view can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It may require us to change the mind chatter that says: "For me to be right, others must be wrong."

Recognise a long term timeframe.

Consider how the problem or the relationships will look over a substantial period of time. The longer timeframe can help us be more realistic about the size of the problem we presently face.

Assume a global perspective.

If we believe that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every other individual, then we can have a sense how our actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others. We can look at the overall system, which may be the family, the organisation or the society. Consider what needs this larger unit has in order to function effectively.

Deal with resistance to the broader perspective

Taking up a broader view can be scary. It may make us less certain of the rightness of our own case. We may fear that we will lose all conviction to fight for what we need. We may have to give up the security we got from the simple way we previously saw the problem. We may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. Many fears of taking the broader perspective prove ungrounded once we analyse them carefully.

Open to the idea of changing and risk-taking

By taking a broader perspective you may be confronted with the enormity of the difficulties. Identify what you can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the dynamics and new possibilities can open up.

Civility Works is proud to be using the Conflict Resolution Network’s toolkit of 12 skills for CR and is working with organizations using the program’s methods for successful training.

All training sessions are customized to your association. You can select the areas that interest you or provide your group with continual support for all 12. All sessions are available for half day training or combine 2 for a full day. Fees are $1800/half day and $3000/full day (plus travel).

Contact Karen Mallett at 1-204-295-6167 to discuss options and bookings.

They are: The Win/Win Approach, The Creative Response, Empathy, Appropriate Assertiveness, Co-operative Power, Managing Emotions, Willingness to Resolve, Mapping the Conflict, Development of Options, Negotiation Skills, Third Party Mediation and Broadening Perspectives.

Civility Works Proudly Represents © Conflict Resolution Network Website www.crnhq.org